October 2010


“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

I have a club called the “Negative Nancy Club.”  As of right now, there are two people in this club.  We enjoy being in this club and make the best of it, even though most of the time we are, well, very negative about things.  And when I say things…I mean everything actually.  The only thing we aren’t negative about is the fact that we have this club.

I am not a happy-go-lucky person, however I am trying to be more positive about my life.  It’s been very hard this year.  My year started off great and then quickly turned sour.  Since then it has been hard for me to do anything.  I have lost friends, I have lost interest in things that I love, in other words, I have become depressed.

I was diagnosed depressed when I was 14, but that doesn’t mean that I let it get the best of me, in fact it was quite the opposite.  I honestly forgot that some doctor told me that I was severely depressed, that was until I realized that I was.  I stopped talking to people, and honestly I stopped caring about anything and everything.  Nothing was going right in my life so why should I care.  And when something would turn around for the better it was quickly shot down and I would return to my depressed stage.

This semester I decided that I didn’t want to depressed anymore.  I want to be happy, but honestly, I don’t know what that is anymore.  Like I said anytime something good happens to be, it’s followed by a week of stress, sleepless nights, and arguments with people that I love.

I’m tired of it!

"So long sad times Go long bad times We are rid of you at last Howdy gay times Cloudy gray times You are now a thing of the past Happy days are here again The skies above are clear again So let's sing a song of cheer again Happy days are here again"

I want to be happy.  The only problem is I have no idea how to be happy.  I’ve tired to figure it out, but I’m learning that it’s not something I can figure out.  It just comes to you.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is I want to be happy, and I’m going to try to be more positive, BUT I can’t make any promises.

I believe in many things.  Sometimes I let the things I believe in run my life.  I know this is not a good thing, but when I believe in something, I go all out for it.

I believe in love.  I believe that people fall in and out of love all the time.  I believe that when someone falls in love, everything that person believed changes.  I also believe that when someone is in love they start to believe in new things, but those new things become just as important as anything else.

I believe in everything there is about love.  I believe that people become more attractive the father you fall for them.  I also believe in you truly love someone, you never stop loving them.  And because you will always love them no matter what they do you could never hate them.

Things change over time, as do people.  And more often then not things change in a way that you aren’t ready for, but you have to embrace them.

So, I realize that I am only 2o years old, but as a 20 year old I have dreams.  My dreams are not dreams that everyone has, but they are mine and that is all that matters.  I have lots of dreams, but I’m only sharing 20.  One for every year I have been alive.  They are in no particular order, and who knows some of these will  probably have changed by tomorrow, but this is today and I’m starting to live a Here…Now life.  (Thanks to Paul Wesselmann and his weekly ripples)

My Life List:

  1. Start a family
  2. Graduate from college
  3. Get my Masters Degree in something
  4. Travel to Ireland before I start my career
  5. Get lost in the woods and not care
  6. Spend New Year’s Eve in New York City
  7. Learn to surf
  8. Own an actual turtle and name him Jefferson
  9. Write an autobiography or a fictional story based on my life
  10. Publish another poem
  11. Pay off my student loans within 2.5 years of graduating
  12. Spend a week with no cell phone, TV, or computer
  13. Give up caffeine
  14. Be invited to an Inaugural Ball
  15. Take my niece away for a week of Auntie and Mini Me time
  16. See a lion, elephant, and a giraffe in the wild
  17. Go on a cruise
  18. Spend a Christmas overseas
  19. Go a week without a headache
  20. Hold a political office of some sort.

This is what I want to do before I die, I hope to accomplish all of it, but honestly, I won’t be too upset if that doesn’t happen.  Things change and sometimes you can’t do what you want to.

I learn things the hard way, and this isn’t going to be any different.