Captivating

I’m currently reading the book “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge.  This book is all about the beauty of a woman, and that God put her on earth for a reason.  I’ve been single for almost 3 months now, and that’s a record.  I’ve never been single this long before.  But I went through a horrible break up and I’m not ready to date.  I’ve been talking to a friend about everything, she’s a good listener and gives GREAT advice.  She told me to read this book.  She said that it would really help me.  I’m about 60 pages in right now and all it’s doing right now is making me feel like crap.  It says that Woman was put on the Earth and created to be an accompaniment to Man.  WHAT?  I was created for a man.  I’ve always been taught that I didn’t have to have a man to be happy and that if I wanted to I could be single forever.  (My dad loved the idea of that.)  But then I became a teenager and realized that I am very co-dependent.  I don’t like to do things alone.  I love being alone, but if I have to go out, I want someone there.  I’ve always had a guy there for me.  ALWAYS.  And that’s what this book is saying…on the surface.  That I shouldn’t be alone, that I should find that guy that brings out the beauty in me.

What if I found him but he doesn’t see it?  That’s not really fair.  I honestly believe that me and my ex were made for each other.  We can talk about anything and everything and we bring out the best in each other.  Both of us are very comfortable with each other and can laugh at the other one.  We don’t take anything the other one says too seriously and it was great.  People always told us we should get together then we did and it was perfect.  Something went wrong (I don’t know what) and that all changed.  Now he and I barely talk and I’ve lost my best friend.  It sucks, but that’s life right.

I’m trying to get my relationship with God back on track which is why my friend suggested this book.  I’m going to keep reading it and hope that it gets better and doesn’t make me feel like crap for being single anymore, but what’s so wrong with that.

Like I said I don’t like doing things alone, but I’ve learned in the last few months that I CAN do them alone.  I’ve hated every minute of it but there are a lot of people out there happy to be single.  Why can’t I be one of them?  My sister always told me that I didn’t have to have a guy, that I should be single and carefree, but now all of a sudden she is pushing me to go out on dates and to see people.  What happened to carefree?  She doesn’t want me to be alone, she thinks that I need a guy in  my life so I have to find him.  Wait, now I have to find him?  Call me old fashioned, but I don’t go out looking for guys…they come to me.  That’s how I’ve met ALL of my exes…they came to me, they confronted me.  I like that, because it makes me feel wanted.

Either way I’m staying single for a while, and I’m going to keep reading this book.   We will see what happens.